I may be smart . . . but the jury is still out.

Today I found out that I was one of three in my class that got an A on the first test. I AM SO HAPPY!!! Other things suck in my life, but I am really glad that I got an A on the test. I have to get a 4.0 to get into grad school for 2008.

Well, I think I have been depressed. I haven't really worked for the past two days. I called in sick today, I did have a migraine/headache, but I probably could have worked. I just want SOMETHING to work out.

Ok, that is all. Boring blog. And no, I haven't heard from him.

2 month curse

I can't seem to date a guy longer than 2 months. I don't know what it is, but it always ends right around this time. And it happened again. I could go in to the gory details but the fact is, I have cried all night and eaten half of a french silk pie, so I don't really feel like rehashing it. We broke up (obviously) and it sucks. Will it ever work out with anyone? I am starting to feel quite skeptical of it. The online Ouija board says that I will "marry a friend" but it also says that will happen next week, so it is not very reliable.

Oh well. Life goes on. The common factor of all of these breakups is me. That says something.

"If it isn't broken, then why fix it?"

Ok, so my fears with J materialized last night in an instant message conversation. We didn't break up, but I am afraid it is only a matter of time. I was talking to a friend about it last night and said that I am the opposite of a lot of girls. I have heard people say "if only a guy would get to know me, he would realize that I am great and like me." Well, I have no problem getting guys to like me (I know, poor me) but once they get to know me, they decide they don't like me anymore.

Not to reveal too much info about my relationship, but J said that he is afraid that the physical part of our relationship is the "glue holding everything together." We only make out, nothing more. I am trying so hard to not be that girl and here I am being her again.

I asked him three times if he wanted to end it, and he said no. He said that he was just having these doubts and wanted me to know. He also said that the distance sucks, and said "I don't know how I would feel about us if I lived in SLC and saw you every day." He said that so far we have made things work and that is when he said the title of this post. He also feels guilty that I have committed to him and have so many other options, but that he doesn't have any in Roosevelt so I am sacrificing more. He ended the conversation with saying that he hopes he can come and see me this weekend.

I'll admit it, I took everything he said personally and cried a lot last night (he doesn't know that). I thought about just ending it, I hate hurting and I can only foresee this ending badly, but part of me feels like I should stick it out. I really need you girls. Let me know what you think. I hate dating, it hurts.

I can't take my eyes off of you . . .

I am really excited. I just bought tickets to see Damien Rice on May 4. I bought one for Erin too, for her birthday. YIPPEE!!!!!!!! It's going to be a night of crying my eyes out to every heart wrenching song. I hope my love life is still ok at that point, or it could be really depressing.

I am starting to feel insecure about J again. It's getting closer to the two month mark and that is when guys decide they no longer like me. He has been driving a semi across country and has had a lot of "thinking time" (his words). I just don't know what he has been thinking about. He hasn't been as attentive as someone who has nothing better to do than call or text his girlfriend. PANIC!! We'll see. . .

secrets

So in my previous blogs I have been very vague about names and places because I was afraid that everyone and their mother could read the blog and I did not want that to happen. Some of this is personal! But I figured out how to make it private and only invite those that I want to read the blog. That is what I have done. You are the elect.

His name is J. Not J and I still really like him. He went back home on Sunday and I thought I wouldn't get to see him for 2 weeks, but Monday he drove back into Salt Lake because he flew to Mississippi yesterday. As you read this, J is driving a semi truck across country. My boyfriend is a trucker. Never thought I would say that. I just like saying "my boyfriend" :-), I'm a dork. Well he came into town Monday and I went to dinner with him and his parents. It was a really nice evening. I think that we get along really well. I am pretty sure his parents like me. I always get along with parents. I don't know when I will see him again. Probably not until next weekend. That is so hard.

I took my first test in my class 'sociology of marriage and family' on Monday. Next week is spring break, so I won't know what I got for 2 weeks. Agonizing. I HAVE to get an A. In this class there are only 2 tests and a paper. His tests are hard too. It's multiple choice, but they are the kind that are a)answer b)answer c)answer d)a and b e)none of the above- blah blah blah. (did that make any sense?) Anyway, I always second guess myself on tests like that. I hope I did well. If I want to go to grad school, I have to get an A!!!!!!

I talked to my ex Blair on the phone today. It was sort of on accident. I was calling to talk to Mark (his brother) and Mark's number didn't work. The only other number I have to get a hold of Mark is Blair's. We ended up talking for about a half an hour. We haven't talked in a year and the little correspondence we've had hasn't been the most pleasant, so i was worried. He said that he was going to save my number and that he would like to talk to me again. That is probably a bad idea. Erin says that I shouldn't confuse myself right now. She's right. But my heart did ache just a little bit. It probably always will.

I figured out how to put pictures on this thing, so check out previous blogs. The first one is a picture of me and J on the airplane on the way to Vegas- with a creepy guy looking through the seats.

I promise my future posts will have a point. Love you all.

Surprise Surprise

Ok, so he did it again. I was not supposed to see J this weekend, he had to work all weekend and couldn't come to Salt Lake, but then late Friday night he showed up and surprised me! We spent all weekend together. It was really fun. We were able to do normal weekend things like go see a movie and run errands and hang out with friends. It was really nice. We have seen each other every weekend since we started this dating thing, but I think this next weekend we really won't get to see each other. I am getting so used to seeing him every weekend that the weekend I won't see him is going to be awful. One day at time.

Twilight

So I finished a book in three days. It's called "Twilight" (thanks Alyssa for the recommendation). It is a very easy read, but it keeps your attention. It's about a young girl that falls in love with a vampire. It made me want to fall in love with a vampire. Really good, check it out if you just want a quick read.

So I talked to J last night and I brought up my concerns from our conversation the night before and he was really apologetic. He said that he isn't planning on going anywhere. We also talked about taking a trip to Florida together at some point, we were kind of joking, but he said that making plans with me "seems like a dream." I asked what he meant by that and he said that it seemed surreal and exciting. So I have decided I need to just take it one day at a time. STOP OVER ANALYZING. Right?

I still haven't heard from Portland State. I am anxious to see if I get in, but at the same time I am not sure that going to Portland would be the best idea. No, not because of the boy- seriously, but because of the financial strain. I just found out that I am getting tuition reimbursement from my job for the classes that I am taking now, so I would get all that money back, plus if I go to Portland I have to 1. move 2. get a new job 3. most likely pay double tuition and 4. won't get any reimbursement. But I get to live in PORTLAND! I haven't even gotten in yet, if I do at all- so I should probably wait to decide. I will weigh all my options, I just want to do what is best for me and finances always stress me out.

What do you think?

Internet love?

Ok so my boyfriend (yes he is now OFFICIALLY my boyfriend) lives three hours away, so we spend time talking on the phone and instant messaging on the computer. We normally do both each night. Last night we had an Internet conversation that sort of left a bad taste in my mouth. I wish that I had a copy of our conversation so that I could go back and reread it, but I don't. We talked about how he is normally very selfish in relationships and that he broke up with his last girlfriend just before he moved because he "didn't think long distance relationships could work". He said that he is still not sure, but he is willing to try. I wasn't sure how to take this. He also said that he is sometimes super "uppity and confident" at the beginning of things and then it fades. He also said that this time is different though, he is more optimistic and "enjoys me". He also said that just because you enjoy someones company it doesn't mean that you will get married. I responded by saying that if it comes to a point in a relationship when you know you couldn't marry someone, it should end. He agreed. So I am not sure if we were just talking and getting to know more about how we are in relationships or if he was trying to tell me something. He ended the conversation with how much he liked me and how he couldn't wait to see me, so who knows. I am so paranoid in relationships. I hate that.

I said "he also said" about a million times in that last paragraph. Sorry, what a terrible read. So if you are reading this you are probably a close friend, advice is always appreciated. Post a comment I would love it.

Middle of Nowhere

I went to visit J this weekend in the small town he lives in. We had an awesome time just spending time together. I didn't want to leave him this morning, but I had to return home to my life in the City. Not that it's a big city, but much bigger than his. It was nice though. I like him more and more every time I am around him.

I guess there was a party while I was gone and some of my friends and his friends were in the same place. There was talk about our relationship- the word to describe what people thought was "speculative" whatever that means. I hate that. I just want people to be supportive and not care, but it never seems to work out that way.

Well I like him and that is all that matters. Right?

New Blog

Well, I have a few blogs out there, but I wanted one that was just for me. A real online journal. SO I have started another one. Things are going well, I have a good job that I like most of the time, I have great friends, a great place to live and a new boyfriend.

I work as a social worker for a mental Health organization. I am only at the Bachelors level right now, so I do case work. It's really the grunt work. I work with clients and help link them to different resources. What I really want to be is a therapist. I applied to graduate school at the state school where I received my bachelors, but I wasn't accepted. I also applied to an out of state school and I am just waiting to see what happens with that. I talked with the state school and the head person said that if I take 10 credit hours of a sociology or psychology before September and get a 3.8 or higher on those classes then he will let me in for 2008. But I have to wait a whole year to go back to school. If I get in to the out of state school I can start this year and graduate by 2008. But the costs will be higher. I will do pros and cons in another blog.

On to the boyfriend. This is so new. I have known him for a couple of years, but we have only been acquaintances. In fact I found out that he didn't like me for over a year. A good friend of mine is really good friends with him and he used to tell her to not invite me to things. When I asked him about this he said "everyone liked you, so I wanted to be the one who didn't." What a dork. A few weeks ago I went to a friends house and he was there. We ended up staying up all night and talked. It was great. We had a lot more in common than I thought we did. Here is the problem though, he works three hours away and only comes to town every other weekend. I have had long distance relationships in the past and I always vowed I would never do it again, it's so hard. But i really like him. I have been lucky, we have been able to see each other for the last three weekends, but it looks like this weekend we won't get to see each other. I am bummed. Last weekend he bought tickets for us to fly to Vegas. We flew there on Saturday and came back Sunday night. He had a bunch of adorable surprises throughout the two days. He told me we were staying in a ghetto, but we ended up staying in the luxor (the big pyramid). It was really nice. Saturday night we went and saw the Cirque Du Soliel show called "Ka" and it was so amazing. We had front row seats. Sunday morning we woke up early and he had planned a spa morning. We both had full body massages. It was amazing. We just shopped and spent time together the rest of the time. He wouldn't let me pay for anything. He called it Valentines day because we didn't get to spend it together.

During the two days in Vegas we had so much fun. We laughed and talked and just really enjoyed each other's company. On the flight home he asked if we were dating. Being that we spent the past three weekends together and a weekend in Vegas, I of course said that we were. He asked if I was his girlfriend and I asked if he wanted me to be. He said that he did, but he felt that it wasn't his place to ask me not to date anyone else being that he lives three hours away. So we sort of left it up in the air. I did cancel a date this week because I knew I would just wish I was with J the whole time. So I guess I am his girlfriend.

So I have started a new LONG DISTANCE relationship and I might be moving out of state this summer. AHH!!!! What will happen? All I know is that I really like him and I want to spend all of my time with him, but I also want to get my master's degree and move forward in my career. I have a lot of important decisions ahead of me.