Thursday, January 31, 2008
Why I am a masochist.
I was thinking about it today and I think that I actually enjoy pain. I don't mean physical pain (although there is something that feels so good about flossing so hard your gums hurt), but I mean emotional pain. There are many things I have done over the years that I think proves that I am an emotional masochist.
1) I love making super depressing music mixes. I have always loved this. Every mix tape/CD/playlist I have ever made for myself is full of super depressing songs of heartache and misery. They are my favorite. I also play super depressing songs on repeat, that is why Let It Die by Fiest is my number one most played song on my itunes.
2)This next one has many facets to it. I enjoy painful relationships. I do. I never choose the easy one, it always has some sort of Romeo & Juliet type complication. They have to live far away or be emotionally unavailable or still in love with someone else or a drug addict or the opposite of what I really want or just not that in to me. I think if I met a perfectly normal guy who lived in the same town and didn't have any crazy emotional baggage I would (and have) just think "meh".
3)Not only do I choose the difficult guys, but I allow them to stay in my life and potentially hurt me over and over. Hmmmm. I am working on this one. I have a problem closing doors that really need closing. I am starting to close doors and windows and all other possible openings where trouble could sneak in.
4)This one is a physical and emotional one. I DON'T SLEEP. Even when I know I should try, I stay up and stay up and stay up. Which makes me physically exhausted, which makes me emotionally exhausted.
Ok, so now what are the good unpainful (not a real word) things in my life.
1)My friends- near and far. They make me sane, they buoy me up, they help me make wise choices. I am really good at choosing excellent friends.
2)My creative outlets. Singing in a choir, reading good books with friends, dancing in my room and even writing on my blog. All good positive things. Oh and I am writing an essay that is going to be publish in a cute little mormon book. More to come later.
3)Things to look forward to. I always have something special on the horizon that will make me happy and I can look forward to. I wish it was February 15th already.
4)Work, school, progression. It's good.
So, I need to be less masochistic. I have started by making a super happy mix on my ipod. That's a step in the right direction, don't you think?