Why I am a masochist.

I was thinking about it today and I think that I actually enjoy pain. I don't mean physical pain (although there is something that feels so good about flossing so hard your gums hurt), but I mean emotional pain. There are many things I have done over the years that I think proves that I am an emotional masochist.

1) I love making super depressing music mixes. I have always loved this. Every mix tape/CD/playlist I have ever made for myself is full of super depressing songs of heartache and misery. They are my favorite. I also play super depressing songs on repeat, that is why Let It Die by Fiest is my number one most played song on my itunes.

2)This next one has many facets to it. I enjoy painful relationships. I do. I never choose the easy one, it always has some sort of Romeo & Juliet type complication. They have to live far away or be emotionally unavailable or still in love with someone else or a drug addict or the opposite of what I really want or just not that in to me. I think if I met a perfectly normal guy who lived in the same town and didn't have any crazy emotional baggage I would (and have) just think "meh".

3)Not only do I choose the difficult guys, but I allow them to stay in my life and potentially hurt me over and over. Hmmmm. I am working on this one. I have a problem closing doors that really need closing. I am starting to close doors and windows and all other possible openings where trouble could sneak in.

4)This one is a physical and emotional one. I DON'T SLEEP. Even when I know I should try, I stay up and stay up and stay up. Which makes me physically exhausted, which makes me emotionally exhausted.

Ok, so now what are the good unpainful (not a real word) things in my life.

1)My friends- near and far. They make me sane, they buoy me up, they help me make wise choices. I am really good at choosing excellent friends.

2)My creative outlets. Singing in a choir, reading good books with friends, dancing in my room and even writing on my blog. All good positive things. Oh and I am writing an essay that is going to be publish in a cute little mormon book. More to come later.

3)Things to look forward to. I always have something special on the horizon that will make me happy and I can look forward to. I wish it was February 15th already.

4)Work, school, progression. It's good.

So, I need to be less masochistic. I have started by making a super happy mix on my ipod. That's a step in the right direction, don't you think?

I thank thee O God for a Prophet

I remember in 1995, attending general conference and watching the solemn assembly as Gordon B. Hinckley became the new prophet and president of the church. I remember my dad leaning over to me, saying that I needed to pay attention because this was something really special that you don't see everyday. I remember always believing in the prophet- whoever he might be- and thinking that it was cool to witness a new one being "sworn in". I remember raising my arm to the square to say that I too agreed with God's choice. I then remember President Hinckley standing up and speaking for the first time as president of the church and I remember the feeling I felt and the realization I had that for the first time in my life I was receiving a clear and distinct confirmation from the lord through the holy spirit. I knew Gordon B. Hinckley really truly was a prophet of God. In that moment, I knew. I still know that he was. I loved him. He was the main prophet of my life and I will miss him.

"I have a confession to make, my brothers and sisters. It is simply this: I love you. I love the people of this Church. I love all who are faithful. I love all who follow the ways of the Lord. It is a humbling thing to preside over the Church. I can never forget the words of Jesus: he that would be first among you, let him be the servant of all." -President Gordon B. Hinckley 1910-2008

Sun and dancing

I went up to the Music Cafe in Park City yesterday with my friend Mike. We went specifically to see Missy Higgins play. She has an amazing voice and a really cute Australian personality. It is the second time I have seen her perform and I like her even more now than I did before. I took some pictures, but my camera skills were lacking as always. If you go to her link, listen to the song Secret, Mike and I both decided that it was our favorite song she played. She only uses 3 notes. Kinda cool. She also played a song called Angela which I really liked. Everest played as did the guys who wrote the songs for Walk Hard, the Dewey Cox Story (they had an entire song about their testicles, I was not impressed). The last band that played was kinda cool. They were called Orba Squara. The first song they played Mike and I both knew, but could not figure out where we had heard it. I did some research and their song is on an iphone commercial. They were really interesting- played ukuleles and wash boards and a melodica. The lead singer's voice sounds like a petite little girl singing, but he is actually a big guy with long hair and a beard. Weirdly awesome.
As Mike and I were chilling, listening to music, an interesting guy walked in and Mike instantly recognized him. Mike went and saw the movie Hell Ride the night before and the writer/director/actor in the movie was in Music Cafe. Apparently he is really good friends with Quintin Terantino- who is also the producer of his film. The film is about motorcycle gangs and revenge. Since Quintin gave him full artistic reign, I guess the violence was quite intense. They will have to cut quite a bit out to even get an R rating. I took a picture of Mike and awesome dude. He was super nice and you may recognize him from the movie Kill Bill 2. Here is Mike and Larry Bishop.We ate at this super good BBQ place and then went to see an amazing movie. I cried three times. The movie was called Phoebe in Wonderland and it was beautiful. Felicity Huffman played the mother, Bill Pullman the father, Elle Fanning (Dakota's little sis) played the quirky daughter and Patricia Clarkson played the teacher. The director and Felicity Huffman were both there to answer questions. Their responses were touching and heartfelt and I could tell they really loved being a part of this movie. It was a beautiful story of a little girl struggling to make sense of why she is different and a mother and father's battle to help her without knowing how. I LOVE LOVE LOVED it. It had imagination and heart and excellent acting. I think everyone should see this. It really reminded me of all the adorable children that I work with.
It was a perfect night in Park City and at the film festival. Good Music, good food, good friends, good weather and a really really good movie.

Bullet in the head

Ok, so think of every possible way you could destroy a zombie's brain- I think it was in this movie. Defibrillator to the head- check, sword slicing someone's head in half- check, bow and arrow through the eye- check, acid- check, dynamite- check and the Amish guy with a sickle was sheer brilliance. It was disgustingly awesome and super campy, which made it all the more fun. The audience laughed and even cheered at some parts. Going to a Sundance movie is really fun, I think that the audience is more free to really express their reactions to the film which makes the seeing of a movie more like an experience then just a thing to do to fill up time.

I love me some zombie movies. Although it's times like these that I really hate that I sleep alone. I need someone to protect me from all the flesh eating zombies. Maybe I should just invest in a defibrillator.

Or a cricket bat.

Happy Auspicious Day!!!

Today started off well, I got a check for a lot of money when I REALLY needed it. It's because I pay my tithing of course. The church is true.

I also got in to graduate school. . . finally!!! I will start working on my MSW in the fall of this year (actually the summer, when I do a two week crash course in place of the first year). 2009 I will be a graduate. Life will be crazy for that year, working 40 hours a week, going to school full time and doing a 20 hour a week practicum. It can be done.

Today is now a holiday. January 17 is officially Auspicious Day. Good things will come to me and you on this day forevermore! I declare it.



Go Utes . . . again.

Swollen hands, cold feet

I would love for you all to go HERE (he's got more pictures). This is my friends Spencer and Breckan's blog. Over the weekend I went canyoneering in Zion National Park with them and Joey. It was seriously scary at times, but so so fun. You repel and climb over and under and through many things, drop down into ice covered water, break through it and swim- trying the whole time to keep your already frozen hands above the water. We went through 2 and a half canyons (the half was us going the wrong way up a canyon instead of down). The last repel was over a hundred feet down with you just lowering yourself down. I tried to play it cool, but there were times I was completely terrified. I had to will myself over the edge on some of those repels. Knowing that the only way out was down helped with the motivation. I wish I had a picture of how fat my hands were at the end. They were so swollen they looked ridiculous. I have felt like a truck ran me over for the past two days, but in a good way.


By the way, this is me. Seriously.

Most awesome google search ever

"sex hungry moms angela" led them right to me. The world wide web never ceases to amaze me.

2008 is gonna be great and maybe I'll date or find a mate and then procreate or move outta state or stop being late or some other fate . . .

Did you like my rhyme? Don't judge me. It's 1:20 am and I should be asleep- but I'm not. I just spent $71.00 on pills that the doctor said would make me sleep. I have been in bed since 11 and sleep has yet to find me. I am so frustrated.

So I decided to do what I always do when I can't sleep. Throw down some sic rhymes- like the title of this blog. I should be a rapper. Ok, I actually blog when I can't sleep, not rap. I'm beginning think the sleeping pills are effecting me, just not in the way I would like and that way would be TO SLEEP.

So, it's 2008 and I have come up with some resolutions for the new year. My roommate keeps saying this quote to me, but I can't remember it-it's something like "if you don't write it down, it's just a thought" or something. It's far more profound than that, but I can't remember it so it loses it's luster. The quote is basically saying that if you don't write down a goal it's not going to happen. So here they are, for all to see and for all to judge me harshly if I don't follow though- resolutions 2008.

1)Get more sleep. Not joking. I have given myself a bedtime for the weekdays and maybe even the weekends if it is possible. 10:30 or 11:00pm. I have done pretty well so far. Well, I have gotten into my bed at 10:30 every night this week- the actually sleeping part I am struggling with. I just got a new prescription not covered by my insurance that was supposed to help. This blog is proof that insomnia is smarter than some stupid expensive pill.

2)No more soda. This is going to be a tough one. So far so good. I love me some diet coke with lime- but I broke up with it and now I am dating water with lime. I just think it's time to grow up and I thought it might help with number 1.

3)Gym 3X a week. I felt really guilty paying for a membership that I wasn't using and I am squishy in many places that I shouldn't be. So look for me Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I'll be there. Times may change- oh but I will be there.

4)Try harder at work. Things like more carefully planning out my days and utilizing my time better. Blah Blah Blah. This week I was on fire.

(now for the churchy)
5)Go to all three hours of church. This hasn't been a huge problem in the past, but SOMETIMES I would just show up for sacrament. No more lazy church attendance. I am committed.

6)Temple twice a month. I think you get this one.

7)Fast 24 hours each month and pay fast offerings. When I do this I always receive amazing blessings and it's so easy. I just need to do it. So for the next 11 months (January-Successful!) every month I am doing it. And I will fast about something truly significant.

8)VISITING TEACHING. This has always been hard for me. I want to be excellent at it.

Miscellaneous
9)Spend less time on the internet. Time suckage.

10)Start singing and performing again. Made a step toward that tonight. I am in this new amazing women's musical ensemble. Keep a look out, we will be performing in a town near you at some point.

11)Read at least one book a month. BOOK CLUB!!!! This is going to happen Mike- next week?

12)No more swearing. Seriously. I've given it up. I have had one relapse, but I am back on the wagon.

And lastly- this isn't really a resolution, but to share something exciting, insightful or whatever about every day this year. I do that here. Don't worry, I will still keep up with number 9.

Sorry this is so long. I normally quit reading someones blog once it gets long and boring. Hope you are all still reading. Help me out with this eh? 2008 is gonna to rock my socks off.

Chuck Norris for president or for executioner!!

Did anyone else know that Chuck Norris is on the campaign trail with Huckabee? I didn't know until today. That is fascinating. I still am not planning on voting for Huckabee- but it is pretty awesome to be endorsed by Chuck Norris.

I was talking (texting) with Joey about what we were listening to on NPR (at the same time, in different states) and we were text discussing the death penalty. That was a hot topic since the lethal injection practices in some states were being questioned. I sent a text that said "lethal injection should be replaced by Chuck Norris", Joey's response was "So quick it would be painless. Chuck's spit in your eye would do the same as all three injections . . . in one tenth the time."

It made me laugh a lot.

Don't be fooled. I do not support the death penalty, even if it was performed by Chuck Norris and I do not support Huckabee, however because Walker Texas Ranger supports him, he does kinda rule.

Hot Lava!

Went to Lava Hot Springs last night, where we soaked and soaked until our whole bodies were pruney. It was great. Afterwards we were in desperate want for food- talk about a one horse town! We missed the gas station by 20 minutes. There was discussion of eating one of our party and since it was Mike's idea to go to Lava, he was the first choice. But instead we decided to go to sleep hungry and venture out for a ma and pa breakfast the next morning. After breakfast we went to a sword shop, because what else would you need in the middle of nowhere with only hot springs around, a sword is a necessity.

All in all it was a good time. Our motel seemed a little bit like something you'd see in a horror movie, but we all got out alive.




Oh and I am so glad we didn't have to share a bathroom with the other patrons.

Elimidate

I sorta ended up on an elimidate tonight. I wasn't elimidated, so that is a relief, but neither was Aliah- which made the doorstep scene a little awkward. I did, however, laugh a lot and learn a lot of "new moves" from the other daters involved. I was hand hold raped, but I kinda liked it. I was really disappointed that we all didn't end up in a hot tub at the end of the night. Sarah got the ax, but only 5 minutes before the date was over. Way to go Sarah! You lasted way longer this time. Thanks a lot Nate, now I have the elimidate song in my head.

What a Merry Christmas!

I had a wonderful Christmas with my family. We ate together and played together and sang Karaoke together. I am so disappointed, there is a video that was taken of my mother and father singing a hilarious Christmas Karaoke duet, but I couldn't get it to upload. So so funny. Here is a picture of us singing to the DVR Karaoke- It was a magical trio of "Blue Christmas". I think it is now a Robson family Christmas tradition. Karaoke on Christmas Eve. Tommy sang a beautiful rendition of "all I want for Christmas is my two front teeth". I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.
Normally the best part of Christmas for me is the giving, but I have to say that the getting was especially awesome this year. At 29, you would think your family would know you well enough to get you things that match you and your life. If that is the case- I have become quite an interesting person.

My mother was very excited to give me her "special gift"- it was a creepy porcelain doll. I do not collect dolls and I'm not 12- my mom must have missed that. She also bought me skanky PJ's that will look awesome over my garments and an 80's (not in a good way) red sweatshirt with mesh lining. My mother said that she thought the doll would look "precious" in my room. My mom is the precious one.

I have to say that the gifts were a surprise and maybe not what I would have asked for, but it was such a great Christmas and I love how excited my mom was to give me the things she did. Here is a picture of the doll.

I love Karaoke, I love my silly little doll- it's a pink frilly piece of my mother's heart on a pedestal.

Happy New Year!

There was a new year's dance party at my house last night (I still haven't gone to sleep) and it was awesome.

Here is the song that rang in the new year.


2008 is going to rock my socks off.