Monday, November 16, 2009

Self Preservation

When you've been hurt, you learn how to protect yourself from feeling further pain. By "you" I mean "me" of course. I do things like delete people from facebook or from my cell phone- not to be dramatic or to get back at anyone, but as self preservation. Sometimes I just can't stand to see what is going on in their life or see pictures of them or have the temptation of contacting them, because I ALWAYS regret it. I even make sure that I don't go anywhere where I might run in to them or into someone that might bring them up in conversation or make me think about them too much. Not forever, just until it doesn't sting anymore.

I went to a restaurant for dinner recently and when I walked in, there he was, sitting at a table, staring right at me- the one person I really didn't want to see again(or the one person I would give anything to see again, I can't decide). And my stomach dropped. Just as I was about to acknowledge him and say something super friendly and act like I was super ok, he looked away, like he didn't even know who I was. I then looked around at the rest of the people at the table and didn't recognize a single person (which I thought I would). We sat at our table in the restaurant and his back was to me. I realized that everyone was speaking another language and I don't think it was the second language that he speaks- but I couldn't be sure. I watched him through the dinner, he had the same look, the same mannerisms, the same EVERYTHING, but it couldn't be him. He isn't supposed to even be here. But I hate how it made me feel. I hated that we treated each other like perfect strangers (even though we probably were) and I hate that even right now, even though I am about 99% sure it wasn't him- I feel sad about it. I am writing a blog about it for goodness sake. What's going to happen when I actually do run in to him? Ugh.

Self preservation is a bitch.


Sarita said...

It certainly is. Love you.

Beth in the flesh. said...

Same situation but work environment...can't get away from that as much as you desperately want to. It sucks hardcore. I feel ya friend!

Brenna said...

Here's a hug from me to you.
Love you... go listen to "grey" on repeat for two days... or stop doing that... whichever helps.

But know this... that you are loved.