Unemployment

Receiving the new title of Master as well as CSW (certified social worker) has also provided me with another title- unemployed. It's funny how one minute I can be a student and the next somewhat of a failure. Everyone asks you what you do or where you work and it is getting harder and harder to choke out the words "nothing" or "nowhere". I know, I know, I am still new in the job search game, but my patience is wearing thin. Just because the loans stop or school stops or there aren't jobs doesn't mean I don't still have to pay my bills. And I am not at all being picky. I am sending my resume EVERYWHERE, even for jobs I am super over qualified for. The only response I have gotten are for out of state positions, of which I am interviewing, but not one job in Utah has given me the time of day. Maybe it's a sign.

Ok, so to my avid readers (I am sure I have a few) if you hear of a social work job anywhere, send it my way. I will apply for it and then I will bitch and moan about how they have never called me back.

If only

The construction on our street starts at 7am. It's loud, oh so loud. I actually put ear plugs in this morning.

Still in my pajamas . . .

and it's almost 4pm. The job search is at a standstill. I am trying, really I am, but I just can't seem to find anything or hear anything back. Ugh. Discouragement- what a dirty word.

Last night I watched home videos with my mom from when I was 8. We watched my baptism, vacations, birthday parties, we watched me dancing in the back yard, dancing while we're camping, dancing in the basement (hey, I REALLY liked to dance). It made me nostalgic for simpler times. It made me want a family of my own. It made me want to dance like an 8 year old with no inhibitions.

It was my mom and brother's birthdays and we celebrated them last night. Man, I love my family. They're kinda crazy. But I love them. While I was there I asked my dad for a father's blessing. It was such a comfort to hear words of guidance and love. I know that things will work out, it just doesn't feel that way sometimes.

I will leave you with the song I loved to dance to as an 8 year old. I may or may not be dancing around my room to this song right now.

What's love gotta do with it?

I was explaining to someone the other day how I think I fall in love with every guy I date (or have a crush on) just a little bit. They said that it sounded like a line, but it's true! I am a hopeless romantic and part of me just falls hard. The problem with falling hard, frequently, is that I also seem to get heart broken frequently and can't seem to get over the heartbreak, all the while falling in love just a little bit with someone new (are you following me?). I am sure it isn't the worst position to be in, but it's not the best either. To be in a constant state of heartbreak and twitterpation can not only be confusing, but can also be quite exhausting. I have this idealistic, optimistic side that sees me riding off into the sunset on a white horse with prince charming during or even after he destroys my heart.

I don't know where I was going with this. It was just an observation of how truly messed up I am. The end.

Today I didnt even have to use my a.k.

I got this in the mail-



My stomach was tied up in knots, I couldn't sleep at all last night. This morning I sat in a cold room and stared at a computer for three hours and walked out with this-


I went for a walk and found this for FREE at the side of the road-



These showed up at my door because someone was thinking about me-



I went to dinner with Maren and Aliah and Maren bought me this to congratulate me-



I went to see these guys for free-



Today was a good day.

Saturday Morning

I have been feeling really introspective lately. I am sure it has something to do with the changes going on in my life and my completely unknown future. It's funny that things can be so great, SO great and you don't even realize it and then when things start to go a little crazy that's when you realize how good it was. Don't get me wrong, life is pretty good. I am not depressed or unhappy. I just have my moments of wondering what it is exactly that I am supposed to be doing or feeling or even being.

A friend of mine put pictures on facebook from high school. Some of them were positively mortifying (what is it with the 90's and floral dresses???) but they brought back so many feelings of that time in my life. I loved my friends, I loved my family, life was really fun. I thought it would always be like that- or at least I wanted it to be. Now, of course I still love my friends and family. That hasn't changed. But life has changed, age and responsibility has changed and things are just . . . different. I am sure I would be completely annoyed with my high school self. I was extremely obnoxious, but I do miss that idealistic side of myself. Anything was possible. I was going to do so much. And I have, just not the way I pictured it. Not at all.

I have amazing people in my life. I really do, my friends (old and new) are really a part of me and I love them. My family is still wonderful, although we have had a lot more tragic times in my adult years than we ever had when I was a child- some of which we have not fully recovered from. I still love and appreciate them.

I definitely have stressful money woes, wondering where and when I will get a job. But I am educated and I feel so blessed for that.

I still have the gospel in my life- I never thought there would be ups and downs in that area, but there has been. I always seem to make it out OK.

I have had heartbreak. Sometimes big, sometimes small, but you change a little with each one and I am not sure you ever truly recover. Maybe you aren't supposed to.

Sometimes I wish for a crystal ball, just for a minute, just to get a peak at how it all turns out. Until that time, life goes on, the good the bad and the ugly- and I guess all I can do is sit back and enjoy the ride.

So I get in a funk and then blogging seems near impossible. BUT TODAY I WILL BLOG. I am not sure anyone even cares, but I do. It's not like I keep a journal- this blog is for posterity. I'm sure when I finally have posterity, blogs will be completely primeval, but whatever.

What have I been up to lately? Hmmm. Studying. It's official. I have paid my money ($175) and I am taking the big licensing exam on August 18th. I really hate that I just put that in writing, because now I will have to admit it if I fail (please don't fail, please don't fail). It's a four hour exam and I have no idea if I am ready for it. Oh and my degree posts tomorrow. I will officially officially have my masters degree as of tomorrow. Crazy.

My mom had surgery over two weeks ago and they kept her in the hospital for about 5 days longer than planned. It was scary. She is better now- although we have had a fair share of drama since then. I hate drama. But things are looking up.

My room has been so hot (I live in the attic), so my roommate helped me make curtains so that I have a makeshift cubicle of cool where my bed is. My bed is in a little alcove and I have a window unit, so when I sleep I close the curtains- as seen here (they are open and sorry my bed is disheveled).

Tomorrow I head to Arizona for a week with Nolan. He is moving there for 2 years to get his MBA at Arizona State. Sad. We are taking the drive past the grand canyon (which I have never seen) so I am super excited about that.

The job search has begun. Who knows where I will end up! I am totally freaking out about money, but I found this cool free budgeting website where you can keep track of ALL of your finances. You should check it out here.

Boring post, I know. But I will soon be adding some amazing pictures of the grand canyon!!!