I hate my guts

I have mentioned this before, but I am pretty sure there is something wrong with my insides. I went to the doctor and I am trying some different things, but not having much of an improvement. It’s pretty frustrating because sometimes I hurt so much it messes up every day life. Work is harder. Hanging out is harder. Everything is harder. I have had a pretty good couple of days and I am reluctant to say that because I don’t want to jinx it. UGH.

On a happier note, I am so glad that I can see the mountains again. This inversion thing wasn’t helping anything. I feel like spring could be right around the corner and then summer and that makes me unbelievably happy.

Know what else makes me happy? In 8 short (I hope) days I am going to California to get on a boat for 7 glorious days on the sea and stops in Mexico. This was the cruise I was supposed to take in May but the swine flu messed everything up. But now I am grateful because I really want tons of food and sunshine. TONS of food. I fully intend on gaining ten pounds. What do I care? No one to impress and I am so broke that I will have to starve myself when I get home because I won’t be able to afford food (kidding).

My loans go into repayment next month, I just bought a car and I have other bills necessary for life. I need to win the lottery or find a sugar daddy or hit Oprah up while I still can.

Being a grown up is hard- it’s not as easy to get hand outs.

I'm conflicted

So do I call it two thousand ten or twenty ten? I just don't know. I feel like they are two separate camps and I am not sure which camp I want to commit to. My life is so hard.

I am struggling to feel comfortable in this new decade. I keep writing '09 on everything, but I normally catch myself and before I write the nine I throw a one before the zero. It just seems so weird. But I love it. This year is going to be amazing. I dub it the year of no expectations. When I say this some people start to freak out and think that means I am giving up or I am depressed or something- but no, it is the complete opposite. I am hopeful and I am allowing whatever is to happen to happen this year. I am open to whatever. How exciting is that?

My New Year's Eve was awesome. I decided I was going to stay home (after a brief singing gig at temple square) and do what I did when I was a little girl to celebrate. Aliah and I pinned a sheet to the ceiling (wall) and stuffed it full of balloons. At midnight, we pulled the sheet down and stomped on balloons with high heels as we got totally wasted on Martinelli's. BEST. NEW YEARS. EVER.







I am so excited for this new year and especially this new decade. Bring it on 2010- whatever you may bring.

Boo Radley is my BFF

It’s been such a busy month. Singing a lot, working a lot, reading a lot. I just finished reading “To Kill a Mockingbird” which I have never read. Apparently everyone that goes through the tenth grade has read this book, not sure how I missed that one. Anyway, I loved it. Hmm, maybe that is why it's a classic? I am not sure that I would have appreciated it as much in high school. This will be my 3^rd book in a week. I am back on the reading train (what does THAT mean?) meaning, I am reading a lot again and I love it. Next up, "The Catcher in the Rye"- you are probably thinking I must have skipped a lot of school and I did, but not that much.

It has been really hard for me to get in the Christmas spirit. I didn’t start my Christmas shopping until this past weekend and I am not yet finished. I don’t know what my problem is. I have decorated, watched Christmas shows, listened to Christmas music and admired the snow, but the spark just isn’t there. Hmm. I hate that. I used to love Christmas. The entire month was excitement filled. I believed in Santa until I was twelve for hells sake (don’t judge, I love the magic). People say that once you have kids the magic of Christmas returns- I wish someone would knock me up already (kidding mom).

My all time favorite Christmas show is the Christmas Toy. You can’t get it on DVD, I own it on VHS. It’s a Jim Henson show they used to play on the Disney Channel. It’s the same idea as Toy Story but way better and only a half an hour. Hmm. Maybe if I watch it the spark will return. Also listening to the New Kids on the Block Christmas could get me in the mood. I will have to try it and see what happens. Maybe it will help you too.

First up, I still believe in Santa Claus.

And, Funky Funky Christmas.


I really hope my Christmas is funky this year. It's about time.

M*A*S*H

I love things that predict the future. I don't necessarily believe that they will, but I love them none the less. Like the game MASH (play it here). It's so silly, but I get some strange satisfaction and maybe even a little hope when it goes my way. Like it's possibly fated to turn out. I also love horoscopes and numerology and making wishes (coins in a fountain, shooting star, at 11:11, when I lose an eyelash, etc). I really like good fortunes in fortune cookies and I have always wanted to go to a psychic- mostly just for fun, but I have some weird interest in it. My old coworker read my tarot cards once and I loved it.

I am not sure where this began, but I am sure every girl, as a child, played these games and secretly wished they would come true. Thank goodness they didn't or I would currently be married to Ralph Machio, but that small amount of belief in magic has lasted my whole life. Maybe I am a romantic? Maybe I am a psychotic? Who knows?

I do this other thing that is a little weird. I like to call it musical roulette. I play my Ipod on shuffle and think of a song and if it comes up in the next ten songs, I win, or I make a wish and it comes true or the boy I am thinking of is totally thinking of me too. I know, it's ridiculous. But it's kinda fun too and I like to think maybe I am creating psychic abilities of my own. Hey you never know. I could have a job on the side predicting the future for people by playing MASH. I will be charging 5 bucks a game, let me know if you're interested.

***In case you were wondering, MASH told me today that I will be marrying Adrien Brody, we will be living in an apartment in SLC, driving a purple BMW and have 4 lovely kids together. ***

Thanks for nothing

I was told yesterday that I needed to write a new blog. Well here you go Amy, brand spanking new. Thanksgiving came and went- it was a pretty depressing day for me actually, but the weekend that followed was great. Erin and I took our little road trip to Boise. We stayed in a hotel just a block from the Egyptian Theater. They upgraded our room to a suite and we had to sleep in the same GIANT king size bed (the front desk guy was concerned this would be a problem for us, until we informed him that once, as roommates, we slept in the same bed for 9 months . . .we’re close). The view was pretty amazing from our room- Boise is better than I expected.


We then went and saw The Swell Season at the Egyptian Theater and they did not disappoint. Rachael Yamagata opened and was amazing. Glen Hansard made me cry numerous times. He is just so talented. He stood in front of the mics and unplugged his guitar to sing Tell it to me now. It just blew me away. Their closing number was a mash up of Red Chord, Josh Ritter’s Come and Find Me and an Irish drinking song The Parting Glass. My little celtic group actually sings that one, so it was great to hear.

Erin and I had a really good time just talking and laughing and singing and sitting and swimming and just being best friends. Here is a video of her dancing on our king size bed, singing a song from the band we just saw. I dare say, her rendition makes me laugh.

On a more work related note- what is more embarrassing than having an appendicitis attack at work? NOT having an appendicitis attack at work, but all the doctors and coworkers at the hospital where you work thinking something is really bad and treating you in one of the rooms and discovering it is actually only constipation (true story). Humiliating. Oh and then about a week later I was walking out of the nurses station and fell on my face. Seriously, what is wrong with me? People must think I am insane- or drunk. Which doesn’t bode well working at a rehab hospital, they might try to admit me.

Self Preservation

When you've been hurt, you learn how to protect yourself from feeling further pain. By "you" I mean "me" of course. I do things like delete people from facebook or from my cell phone- not to be dramatic or to get back at anyone, but as self preservation. Sometimes I just can't stand to see what is going on in their life or see pictures of them or have the temptation of contacting them, because I ALWAYS regret it. I even make sure that I don't go anywhere where I might run in to them or into someone that might bring them up in conversation or make me think about them too much. Not forever, just until it doesn't sting anymore.

I went to a restaurant for dinner recently and when I walked in, there he was, sitting at a table, staring right at me- the one person I really didn't want to see again(or the one person I would give anything to see again, I can't decide). And my stomach dropped. Just as I was about to acknowledge him and say something super friendly and act like I was super ok, he looked away, like he didn't even know who I was. I then looked around at the rest of the people at the table and didn't recognize a single person (which I thought I would). We sat at our table in the restaurant and his back was to me. I realized that everyone was speaking another language and I don't think it was the second language that he speaks- but I couldn't be sure. I watched him through the dinner, he had the same look, the same mannerisms, the same EVERYTHING, but it couldn't be him. He isn't supposed to even be here. But I hate how it made me feel. I hated that we treated each other like perfect strangers (even though we probably were) and I hate that even right now, even though I am about 99% sure it wasn't him- I feel sad about it. I am writing a blog about it for goodness sake. What's going to happen when I actually do run in to him? Ugh.

Self preservation is a bitch.

ROAD TRIP!!!

I went grocery shopping this week and honestly it has probably been over a month since I have done that. That's always a tough position to be in, because then you want everything because you don't have anything.

And I bought these-


Yes, Vienna Sausages. I love them. Weird, I know. But it's true. I am aware that they are totally disgusting, but ever since I was a kid I have loved these chicken, beef and pork sausages in chicken broth- on crackers of course. We used to get them when we went on road trips. I bought them (4 cans to be exact) and I just can't get enough. We had a Sunday school lesson about food storage and I have decided that if I stock up on these babies I should be able to survive through anything, because I know they will survive.

I also bring this up because in just two short weeks I will be going on a mini road trip and I am so excited. Erin and I are going to BOISE!!! Yeah, that's right. But that is not the exciting part, it's WHY we are going to Boise that is great. The day after Thanksgiving Erin and I are going to Boise to see The Swell Season. Their Salt Lake concert is sold out and so we decided, why not drive to Boise? This will be my third time seeing them and I am just as excited as the first time. Plus I get a mini road trip. I'm bringing the Vienna Sausages . . . don't tell Erin.



I hope he sings this heart wrenching one.

You talk, I listen

When I was younger my parents loved their talk radio. Anytime we were in the car they would listen to it and it would drive me crazy. I hated it. I hated it so much. I just wanted to be listening to the top 40 of the time or one of the many tapes I had acquired and listened to on repeat. Now that I think of it, I am sure my parents hated listening to everything I had on repeat as much as I hated their talk radio- nah, that couldn't be true. ANYWAY. I don't know if it's an adult thing or what, but guess what? I love talk radio. More specifically, 88.3 KCPW, NPR talk radio. If I am in the car, I am most likely listening to it. If I am at the gym (Big IF these days) I am listening to a podcast from it. I can't seem to get enough. Whether it's the news or it's one of the many programs they provide- I just love it.

I am also one of those people that loves This American Life. Yeah, Yeah, I know- me and the rest of the entire world, but I find it interesting and funny, sometimes sad and often captivating. And I think I have figured out why. I don't know about your group of friends, but my group of friends loves to share stories. Have you ever found yourself at a "party" or a dinner or something and at the end of the night everyone is just sitting around sharing stories about work, or their childhood or their hilarious southern mother? We do all the time. And I think it's great. You learn so much about other people and what makes them who they are. I think that is why I like This American Life. It's like sitting around in someone's living room listening to stories. It's great.

So I would like to apologize to my parents for my whining and complaining as a child. Because I am sure if I had listened, just once, without wishing that I was actually listening to Paula Abdul, I just might have learned something (not that Paula hasn't taught me anything).

So for you, my all time favorite episode of This American Life entitled Fiasco! I promise you'll laugh out loud.

Conspiracy Theory

I suppose I need to write another blog so that the super depressing one I last wrote won’t be the blog everyone reads and then assumes I am still depressed and moping around. I do have my moments, the weather has suddenly turned to winter and my body would much rather hibernate than emerge out of my electric blanket each morning- but I do emerge and life goes on.

I like my job. I might even say that I love my job. I just love having a job (being able to pay my bills always makes me happy) and I love the people I work with. They are hilarious, fun and smart and I don’t dread going to work each day. I have the best possible schedule for me 10am-6pm. I am NOT a morning person and so this schedule really works. I work at a hospital and I interact with all sorts of people all day long (mostly people who are psychotic, suicidal or drug addicts) and it’s exciting most of the time. Today I was told I was “part of the conspiracy” by one patient and another announced that they were a prophet. It’s totally great.

I have been spending a lot more time with my friends lately. We have kinda been doing our own thing for a while and so it’s always nice when we get back into the habit of hanging out. I have amazing friends. They always make me feel better. I especially love that I have been spending more time with Erin. She and I have been having sleepovers and it feels like old times.

This is the most boring blog post ever. But I wanted everyone to know things are looking up.

Today is Kumran

If I was any good at writing poetry, I think now would be a good time to write it. I am feeling so many different things and I think that it would make some amazing prose or at least lyrics to a song. Unfortunately, that has never been one of my strengths. It just doesn't translate- my emotions onto the paper (or blog post) anyway.

This month has been hard. This week has been hard. Today has been really hard.

I need a reprieve. I need to know that the hard decisions have been the right decisions. And I sure wish, for once, my heart and my mind were on the same page- or at least in the same book.

My stomach has hurt for days as has my head. I am not even sure which thing is making me the most sad because I seem to be sad about everything- or everyone. Believe me, I know I am being cryptic, I am just hoping that some documentation of how I am feeling will be cathartic. I could really use a good emotional purging at the moment.

All that I want to do is listen to Bon Iver and drink chai tea and somehow that is helping- or at least not hurting.

Everything that happens is from now on. Whatever the hell that means.